i went through the entire semester and only just now realized there's a girl in my history class that i've hooked up with.
You told him you were auditioning guys for your new show: "So You Think You Can Fuck."
Best pick-up line ever!
I really need to stop coming home drunk and lint rolling my rabbit.
best friends dont let best friends get an STD of the eyeball just saying
I think as far as last words to bitter ex girlfriends go, "enjoy that staph infection youre about to get in your uterus" is right up there with the best
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
Out of control sex drive for a girl? I just masturbated in the bathroom at my in-laws house before dinner....
Happiness is having a 12 hour day thinking that there are only 2 beers in the fridge when you get home, but then finding 8. Fuck you Monday, this week I won.
He broke into my house because he missed me. Then ends the relationship because I'm the needy one. Ironic much?
Carver called his mom a milf again
Was it on purpose this time?
Happy Father's Day to the first man I called Daddy while cumming.
Don't do it. He's got a dick the size of a baseball bat. You don't want that commitment.
I have to. For the sake of science.
I didn't realize how hungover I was until I fell asleep in my math lecture, and woke up I'm my history class. How is got there still remains a mystery...
i think if a sober person was watching us they would have not thought we were witty
Call me Sherlock Holmes, bitch.
Randomize
