You're the unicorn of the gay community. Unbelievable and unattainable.
it only takes four glasses of wine for me to ride an elephant with a stranger.
Just had perfomance review. I was told the best example of my integrity was when I told my boss I was going to fail the random drug test due to my weekend coke binge. She said that took a lot of character.
He knows my period schedule but not my work schedule.
I keep replaying commercials about kittens frolicking and was crying nonstop. WILL MY PERIOD LAST FOREVER!?
I tried to convince the Lobo Card people to take my pic with my sunglasses on because I will probably always be this hungover.
they had to hand cuff you because you wouldn't stop trying to unzip the paramedic's pants...this is why i love you
Drinking vodka straight from my water bottle because of the debate. I just need to forget.
Still trying to figure out where I was when someone broke the lawn chair and put it in the bathroom.
I hope you get eaten by satanic starfish.
You ran into the tattoo shop screaming PIERCE MY TITIES
He gave me my financial savings if I invested with him while I was giving him a bj.
I was masterbating to some porn on my phone and my mom decides to text me "are you okay?" I mean i was doing great until you cock blocked me mom..
Let's take a shot for every time we've said "I don't want to get that drunk tonight"
Dude, the T Swift concert might not be so bad after all. Can you say milfs living vicariously through their teenage daughters? Score.
Randomize
