I woke up and she had washed, dried, folded my clothes, cooked me breakfast, and had started cleaning my room
haha, you sure you didnt fuck your mom?
Well, we missed our public lewdness court date. Looks like were going to jail in Alabama ...
if women knew the size of my dick, theyd be much more receptive to my sloppy drunken advances
No one wears that much makeup to work unless they are trying to fuck their boss, NO ONE
My motherly instincts are overcoming my slutty ones
I told them I was gay and asked them to pass the pie. I ruined pumpkin pie for grandpa.
There was a staple in my grits at waffle house last night. My knees are bruised as hell. And I puked pink all over my bathroom. Gooood night.
Oh my fucking god I saw the pictures. What the mother fucking fuck. Destroy the pictures. Destroy the fucking pictures.
Please confirm the destruction of the pictures. NOW.
Annnnddddd this chick is using a hand puppet made of a sock to give her research presentation...
I tried to talk to him, but he didn't recognize me at first. I had to show him the top of my head and then he remembered.
I live vicariously through you. No one mistakes me for a hooker anymore. I look like a stay at home mom of three. On bad days of four.
I find it fascinating that she'd be more comfortable with her mom finding out she submits dirty disney confessions on tumblr than about her secret email account she uses to chat with dutch and brazilian strangers.
just in the smoking shack with my sister cheering on a caterpillar make its cocoon
The notification you get from snapchat that someone took a screenie is like a formal declaration of blackmail.
He and I tag each other in memes all day. You could say it's getting pretty serious.
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