if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
Omg. Budweiser tramp-stamp sighting @ Wal-mart. Best tattoo EVAR.
Every time I hang out with your gay friend, I have to make a checklist of words to look up when I get home. First Google of the night? "Power bottom."
i just looked at the calendar to see when spring break is and literally stopped eating
You realize we can hear you jacking off in your room, right?
I like it rough
i just had to hear from a third party that he came inside of me
He referred to his cock as "The cock" like it was third party or something.
I vaguely remember walking down the highstreet with a plate of K offering lines to passers buy. I sold a line to a taxi driver.
You were carrying around a milk crate, randomly putting it down calling out 'praise be to the milk gods' and making people pray to it.
It's ok, I may have just peed outside your car and used your whataburger napkins. Hope you weren't saving them for a special occasion.
That hot guy i showed you guessed my exact bra size. I want to have his tan babies.
Unintentional and slightly frustrating adventures are basically all I'm good for. Expect heart palpitations, cheap food, and homeless men serenading us.
are you just inviting me because you can't afford an actual stripper?
At a bar across from the city police station. I PROMISE I will do something great.
I'm pretty sure I regained my virginity last night
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