Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
Here's my recipe for happiness. Go get a pen. 1. smoke a bowl 2. put on explosions in the sky 3. take a bath. Do this for about 1 hour or until all your problems go away.
dude, i think i am in a porno. I was working out at the hotel gym and some chick was doing yoga and a guy comes up and says "good, now i know your flexible" then they started making out. WTF?
member when we used to take shits together before volleyball games?
They were done having sex when I went to the room. They had that look on their faces.
Disappointment?
She seriously spent 30 minutes trying to make balloon animals out of my limp dick...
...
Exactly.
Someone with the Instagram name "hymenbreaker" just liked a photo of me and my grandma. I feel ashamed.
In a bar surrounded by couples hooking up. I'm just staring at one. Not drunk enough. Come save me.
I was loaded. my pee still has a hint of lime
him crossdressing on the weekends is awkward but not a deal breaker for me.
Seriously I'm not after your cock. It's a nice bonus, like finding $20 in the dryer, but not the reason I hang out with you.
I answered the booty call in my Trophy Wife cutoff and my ex-boyfriends sweatpants with a bottle of jager.
and how was that received?
The reason why I poison my organs is so that you guys can't sell them.
So I decided to sleep with him for the first time in months so I can convince him it's his kid instead of the other guy
He asked the waiter, at 6:40 am, drunk, if they served alcohol. After he said no, he's like 'well, I guess we can eat then.'
Randomize
