If a woman tells you she has been pink socked...don't move forward with her.
Hands down the best time I've ever had barfing.
I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
Want updates from david's night out drinking? If so text back DAVID to this number. Std rates apply.
he's washing the lighter in the sink and telling me to picture unicorns. requesting backup.
i have learned 4:30 is too early to start pregamming for the midnight harry potter
Just got discharged from the hospital after getting my finger stitched back together don't you dare say you had a worse night than me
He offered to buy me free breakfast if I stayed at the hotel overnight with him. I then realized they have a complimentary breakfast.
my whole checking account just had a funeral down bourban street, paid for that, and then bought everyone 5 shots of fireball...
Well, we ended up labeling the relationship. We are now each other's designated butt-toucher.
No,she came up with a new game: "Where is the most interesting place I can show Drew my asshole?"
Why are friend nudes not more of a thing? My tits look awesome right now.
I just gave myself a foot massage. #SingleAsFuck
I don't need romance, I need cheese sticks
Yea...Let's just say I gave her the best 3 and half minutes of her life then she took a 40 minute cab ride home that she paid for...
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