The only reason you're wearing underwear tonight is cause you have a family dinner before
well most of my day revolves around power hour
you fucking puked into the top of the beer bong while i was chugging from it. when i realized i was chugging your vomit, i vomitted on the floor. she kicked us both out.
The bong broke. we're having a little funeral followed by an inaugeration service for the new one
Eating doritas dunked in queso con salas. Salllas. Salska. Salsa. Got it. Shhiitt. Salsa con queso. That's better. I'm hot pink socks.
Just bought two budlight beers with a can of tuna at the bar
I don't know how we managed to stay up but we actually sat in front of her open refrigerator for god knows how long while she ate salami straight out of the package with her fingers and I laughed. It was a trainwreck.
Swear to god our friendship has its limits. Stop peeing on the fucking refrigerator.
My dick can't jump between your dick and her mouth, man. It's impossible, I think.
Well we're either getting a bunny or I'm getting you pregnant in about 12 days.
He got naked after doing the Ice Water Challenge and it was still enormous. So, yeah, I stayed over.
BRING KITTENS I AM A GENIUS
If I don't singlehandedly make your gf realize she needs to straighten the fuck up or ruin your relationship before I leave I have failed you as a friend.
Hungover on St. Patrick's Day. I did this backwards.
I was like ahh were on two different pages, I know there's rumors of me moving to boston but I can't and I'm not adding long distance to the relationship I have with my 31 year old recently divorced ex boss
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