Downstairs neighbor just asked me to tell people when they jump off the balcony next time not to land on her flowers
You were spooning my trash can and I had to crumble cookies on the floor by your face to get you to eat
She's trying to master eating with her feet. She said it was be she "always has to be prepared."
The guy next to me in the library just got a call from his roommate asking him to come bail him out of jail...we need to step up our game.
Love you too. There are very few people I let pee in my dishwasher.
I just soaked a sugar cookie in nail polish remover to clean off my nails because I was too lazy to walk to the bathroom to get a cotton ball. Is this what rock bottom feels like?
Directions to your booty call: go down the part of Route 66 that has all the car dealerships, motels and bad decisions, go past the Christian college and turn left at the Children's Center.
You got a write up and a first aid award all in the same night. The don was impressed!
You know you're too drunk when you start calling people out for unfollowing you on social networks.
I just sustained a forearm injury dancing to salt n peppa in my kitchen. Fack. I pushed it real good.
He's been pretending to be gay for 3 months in order to get free weed.
in retrospect i think my mom tried to raise me gay
I still don't understand if he's using me to write his resume or if we're dating
Only a true best friend would remind you to make sure your cucumber dildo is organic
We're about to get drunk and it feels wrong without you
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