dude do u know what u did last night?
do i wanna know???
you totally walked in on some couple fuckin in their unlocked dorm room asking for directions to ur room...
just scratched off #34 on my list of things to do before age 30 - drunk in a helicopter.
and im sitting here waiting for them to work on my car. in a room full of men. that are too old for me. its like a sausage fest nightmare...
Fuck 8am classes
Dear Jesus I'm gonna throw up through my eyes
Turns out Woolite can get the cum stains out of her moms couch.
What's the protocol when you drive the girl's head into the wall during sex and she starts to cry?
Remember when you tried to pay that stripper to cry on stage?
Just doin' what I do best: sitting in a stall in the class building's bathroom, pondering life and exploring deep, dark corners of the internet before class.
I wish there were birth control emojis
His reasoning for leaving the keys in the ignition of my car overnight with the top down in an open parking lot ? Too eager to have sex. The sex was not that good for him to do this twice....
Need you on the dancefloor. Hungry and lonely.
I reek of latex and grilled onions.
Mission accomplished.
WHAT GOOD IS APPRECIATING IF NOBODY'S NAKED
He said the pain stops when I get my shit together and stop being a drugged out alcoholic mess. Could have just said no.
Uh do you have my pants because I have yours
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