I find it ironic that homeless people are so good in bed
mom just called and i was mid bong hit but i answered anyways coughing and sounding rough she the apologized for waking her little angel up. its 2PM
Vanessa Carlton's songs would be so much better if she was pretty
i feel like i was in a swimming pool of captain and coke and had to drink my way out
In all seriousness, if tomorrow night becomes a heated game of Which Ex Gets To Take The Plastered Birthday Girl Home, I'm going to bow out with my integrity intact.
I want to be done crawling through windows but the sex is too good to stop...but I'm running out of excuses for where the bruises on my legs are coming from.
I'm trying on my bridesmaid dress so that I can determine what will need to be done to achieve getting fucked while wearing it.
Was I holding a cat when you saw me? Because that was the height of that party for me.
Yeah... I still gave her a hug because I felt really bad though. I mentioned that my boyfriends grandma just died too, just to reinforce that I'm straight afterwards.
I just fucked her in her boyfriends bathroom... he was in the room sleeping.
His dad gives me dirty looks whenever I come over though. I think it's because I eat his food and have sex with his son.
WHY THE FUCK IS MY BATH TUB FILLED WITH MUD?!
1. You were drunk 2. You wanted a mud bath\n3. We tried to talk you out of it, but you kept throwing dirt at us
He's only giving you free adderall so you can focus on his dick.
just give up on your dreams and come get shit house drunk with me.
What did you delete my number or something
Oh honey. What makes you think I saved in in the first place?
Randomize
