masturbating is 5million times harder to finish knowing grandma is in the guestroom downstairs. just so you know.
You act like I'm the first person to try and hook up with a blind chick.
There are topless girls riding the lawn flamingos. I win.
WHY AM I BEING COCKBLOCKED BY A KID PLAYING HAVA NAGILA ON THE SAXAPHONE
Oh wait looks like my cousin is getting deported THERE'S HOPE FOR THIS CHRISTMAS YET
U know that drunk state, where at 930 the next morning your sitting in a bath in ur bathing suit trying to sober up...yeah. That's where i am..
My roommate said I banged on the wall and said, "this dude eats pussy like a champ."
I'm pretty sure I just crapped out my pancreas. I have 2 of those, right?
Oh fuck, I messaged a Jack Kerouac poem to a girl I'm trying to sleep with last night at 4am.
Like I've never seen her that drunk. She's usually like quiet and doesn't say she'll fuck someone on a futon
In other news, people don't judge you when you buy a vibrator if you buy a funny birthday card and bag with it. I learned that this weekend.
I'm sure nobody at Walmart was wondering why I was wearing a glittery tutu and needed $300 changed into small bills
Mom is talking about dicks with her friends in the living room. I am 5 seconds away from scaling the bathroom window out of here.
She told me "I think I'm going to puke tonight" a few seconds later she said smiling"I can't wait!"
Dude, seriously, fucking stop introducing me as "Thomas, with the dick piercing." you are the worst wingman ever.
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