It wouldn't matter if you are Jesus Christ himself, you are not getting into the bar tonight
I just had to explain to the pharmacy cashier that the Plan B and thank you notes I was buying were not related.
Remind me to tell you about the dream where im a fighting a super hero whose only weakness is sunkist.
we had sex three times last night.. but now im just wet from him crying on my stomach about how much he misses his ex.. awesome
Just scheduled a cocaine deal around my drug counsler appointment. Why yes, thank you, I do enjoy the irony that is my life.
she sucked my dick to get the taste of the last guy's out. I need to find a new friend with benefits.
I woke up in her bed, she woke up in mine. Apparently there was a miscommunication after the 8th jager bomb.
We were basically fucking on the dance floor. People kept buying us drinks. It really only encouraged us.
we played animal sounds and i linked arms with her cuz we were both cats....fate and my community college drama teacher have chosen my one night stand
Him naked in my bed with a bottle of vodka in one hand, a pipe in the other, and a rose in his mouth.
Made eye contact with his twin sister the day after he gave me a lifechanging blowjob. Do you think she knows?
IF YOU HAVE THE CHANCE TO HIT THAT, AND YOU DON'T, I WILL FUCKING CRUCIFY YOU.
You're such a supportive sister.
I wore my Gollum shirt. It struck up a conversation AND got him staring at my boobs. That's a win-win.
I just found out that there's a bar that has happy hour at 12 pm. It's like the universe doesn't want me to be sober
WHY DON'T YOU WANT TO BE MY ESKIMO BRO
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