we couldnt find her phone in the morning so i called it and found it under the bed. my name came up as 'regret'
I just came to the conclusion that the most depressing part of my day is when I have to put clothes on.
and then you yelled "out of the way, i'm a lifeguard!" and everyone let us through
He came into the hospital yelling "HEY EVERYBODY! REMEMBER ME?"
Its funny how you denied every part of the text except " you hate fat ppl"
If there was a saddle on his sack, she would ride it.
I woke up because a stranger was shoving an already lit bowl into my mouth. Spring break is awesome
Concert was great. Tackled the lead singer. Met him afterwards. He was cool about it.
I had a girl last night tell me that she was happy to find a condom wrapper in my garbage because,and I quote, "well at least you're not raw dogging every slore that crosses your path"
Is posting a pic on insta of my previously dyed blue pubes socially acceptable?
who the fuck is meatball and why is he telling you to nap on the bar
I re-seduced my fuck buddy...must be the luck of the Irish!
Burnt my boob on a piece of hot waffle at work today..I feel like thats a new low point in my career..
I said I hate kids.This dude said he will sell his children to go on a date with me.
I'm so high right now that I winked back at a character in this TV show.
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