Congratulations on your moose knuckle.
Thank you. Really, it was an honor just being nominated.
So...AT&T finally added picture messaging for iPhone...bring on the tits!!!
I feel like my nuva ring should have a vibrating switch.
It was one time. Now I have to constantly remind her my name is Jessica not Jizzica.
i'm so sad bro, I can't get any pussy. I'm so sad
dude I'm not 100% but I think your mom is sexting me.
Got him to take a shot from the drip pan on the George Forman. He's gone now.
He walked into the bar right as I was licking the shotglass clean. We made eye contact for way too long..
i woke up with 5 inch heels locked on my feet and my car keys missing. this is gonna be an interesting walk home
Props to the guy blatantly doing coke in the bathroom at the bar. Walked out of the stall with a credit card in hand, sniffing loudly and shouting "choo choo"
I just got hit with cramps and found a mystery pill. I'm gonna stay put for an hour and at least see what happens.
How is it medically possible for my urine to smell like espresso
omg how embarrassing to not hear the delivery person knocking because you're singing "where are you Pizza" to the tune of "where are you christmas" too loudly
orgy was averted by karaoke, thank god
The two of us went back to your place, had sex, peed in cups, then i went home. Literally all i know
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