I just put lube in Matt's bellybutton. He looks unhappy.
nothing cures the holiday blues like an open bar
And then she apologized after the blow job for being too sick to deep throat. I'm in love..
I'm basically a mama hen. I keep them warm and let them wonder around the house. not to mention, I keep eye on them just in case the falcons around the house try to snatch them away.
I don't even know what to say right now
I'm drunk in a field. the chupacobra is going to eat me. if I die serve vodka at my funeral.
The only way that night could have gotten any better would be if a unicorn would descend from the heavens with a nacho bell grande in a bag around its horn beat boxing Hakunah Matata.
My brother slept till 4, bought a sword, got drunk and sharpened said sword. I went to corporate compliance training. Life is not fair.
Aaaaand now he just flexed his muscles at me and said "I'm a fucking eagle!"
My dog got laid yesterday. Some lady came over with her husky to breed. He did it like a champ. I was so proud
He asked me what I wanted for Christmas. I told him an orgasm would be nice.
He was telling me how he was trying to grow up. And then 2 minutes later, he told me he was tripping on lsd for the first time.
ED guy's penis finally worked last night. It was a Festivus miracle!
I think I was high. I asked a dude at chillis if they had a cereal buffet
Dude chill patience is a virtue.
WHY DOES PATIENCE HAVE TO BE A VIRTUE, WHY CAN'T HURRY THE FUCK UP BE A VIRTUE?
kind of bad when u call a cop an asshole for driving you home from the bar
Randomize
