A girl just told me I should smile because I was surrounded by hot girls. I told her that clearly beauty was in the eye of the beholder. And she slapped me!
Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
my mother and i just seriously had a convorsation about why you cant Google "Refurbished Dildos"
Did you ever notice the eye of Sauron looks like Lindsay Lohan's vagina?
Dude, a dry wedding reception should nullify the vows, because really, without the booze, you might as well be 5 years old again and playing dress-up
He managed to completely creep out every girl I was with last night. It was almost inspiring how efficient it was.
I wanna thank you for having such slutty friends growing up. Your a great little sister
I mean you were pretty drunk at one point you asked if we could have a glass of water ready for you in case you choked while bobbing for apples, but you said grape juice was preferable. You can't choke on an apple btw
The Supreme Court upheld health insurance. If that's not an excuse to get hospital drunk, I don't know what is.
Why am I the only one golf clapping for the vomiting girl on the train who just fell of her seat into her own vomit
Of course I have to cross through a walk for hunger
I just ate your leftovers whilst watching Garfield and Friends. Thank you across the board.
I'm sure as hell not getting hoodwinked into going back to rehab again
I just got home and spray-tanned my boyfriend. That's the side of relationships they don't tell you about...
And our sex soundtracks thus far have been metal and Star Wars
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