If a girl drunk dials you she's at least entertained the idea of sleeping w/ you correct?
YES
I find it ironic that homeless people are so good in bed
So im walking through ohare and this guy walks by with a cart full of big bottles of liquor. I want to know what flight hes on.
I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.
He probs deserved it.
Every good man does.
what am i going to do when LOST is over? What am i going to get high to?
You guessed 7 of 8 bra sizes correctly. You're like a drunk rainman.
Brownies hit. And just found beer. And the bill cosby show is on. And its in spanish.
he told me he could still feel the blowjob i gave him last year
wow. THAT good huh
you didn't want to pay for the shots so you negotiated with the bartenders. Apparently 1 shot is worth 5 seconds of motor-boating you.
Bought pregnancy tests in bulk off amazon. Kinda feel insulted that it asked if I wanted to subscribe for regular shipments.
Stripping out of my teacher clothes to Talk Dirty to Me. Who let me become a teacher?
I don't know what song to play at my bong's funeral!
Being severely attracted to someone you find is your cousin just made my list of top 10 worst feelings
the guy working the counter at the liquor store noticed i got my haircut and said it was pretty.....
I am texting my fuck buddy about fucking tonight, while facebook chatting with his wife about food.
Randomize
