yo i just woke up i feel so weird, and the absolut is still fill, so is the 30, what the fuck did we drink last night man? And will you please come out of the bathroom.
Bro... we didn't even hang out last night??
so i know my style isnt the best ever but u should have told me i was wearing two different shoes
She said I could do whatever I wanted to her. I pumped for 20 seconds, apologized, rolled over and passed out. I sit directly across from her at work. Awkward?
I feel like i'm in "To Catch a Predator - The Musical"
Your roommate was biting my friend last night. It was weird.
It's like split custody, only he's not a kid and they have sex with him.
If you would give me the chance we might have the two separate pieces of the greatest fuck puzzle ever.
i was drinking at the bar last night with a guy with no bottom teeth, wearing zubas and a polka dotted hat. if that isn't the definition of wisconsin, i dont know what is
Just realized ive been sitting through all of lab with a condom in my bra.
yay hump day
What's more awkward than your little brother in law screaming, "I SAW YOUR TITTIES" at the breakfast table?
His step dad chiming in on the jokes.
Why is there broken glass in my purse?
You stole a snow globe. From your VP. Soooo...maybe don't put all your hopes on that promotion you were expecting
At the ER, will you come pick me up... Had an allergic reaction, wanted to see if I could eat a peanut without dying... Do you how bad this is evolutionary, I would have died back in the days of survival of the fitest by now
I'm a professor! I can't be caught chasing the liquor with you hooligans once the undergrads have seen my face
Update: my mom just told someone to shut up and suck her dick
I want to conceive our bastard child on an athletic field. Why can't we make this happen?
Randomize
