How many nights a week you wake up with sticky boxers cause you were dreaming of Clay Aiken? Your wife mad?
I thought smoking would make her look better, but all it did was enlighten me to her snaggletooth
Sounds like a blessing in disguise
You bet me 100 dollars that the Raiders would win the super bowl this year. I have it on tape.
There's a lady carrying her kids toy animals in a crown royal bag. Mom of the year.
Today's lesson: while in the shower, one should choose between either drinking OR shaving. Not both.
I think I just tested my sobriety limits for unicycling.
Someone just asked me if ur the girl that fell through the floor. I HAD to say yes.
After this weekend, it looks come this holiday season I'll be walking in a winter abortionland.
They figured our he was high when he told the manager he wanted a break to go wrap his dick in toliet paper and pretend it was a ghost.
I faked an orgasm during phone sex last night. This relationship is starting to become real.
I will refer to it as the penis of glory... he fucked me for 3 and a half hours - and all he needed was a 5 minute power nap in the middle (which he took WHILE INSIDE ME). I plan on staying with him forever
We need to do something soon. I need like 4,000 beers and a cigarette.
In honor of Dennis Farina dying, I'm offering up free mustache rides...2 takers so far.
My dog is now used to me drunk singing and sleeps through it. I don't know how I feel about this
yeah I had to wear a fucking diaper from work home so I didn't get the shitty squirts all over my cars seats it was fucked
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