I picked my nose. Flicked it. I heard it hit something. Next thing I know, it's floating around in my wine glass.
This unplanned pregnancy thing is really taking all the fun out of football season.
I just saw "i'm bigger then that" as her facebook status. Would it be better to make a fat joke or correct her grammar?
he swears he got herpes from a bowl of soup
It never makes you rethink your life choices when you're breaking into my apartment at 3 am to take a piss in my kitchen sink?
There is a literally infinite number of spliffs going around this table.
Delicious
I feel like I'm at a sushi bar with a spliff belt.
Ok I'm good with that cause I'm gonna disappear for 90 days
Are you goin to rehab again?
She called me her guardian angel after I picked her phone up from the river of pee coming from her front porch.
Dude, you left ME alone in your house. With your fully-stocked wine cellar. Why would you do that to yourself?
He gave me one look and told me I'm not allowed to board the plane if I'm still as drunk by departure time.
im In safeway buying a bottle of Ciroc in short shorts at 3:00 pm on a Monday, yeah I don't know either.
Rule #61 of being a lady: never get fingered by a finger with a knuckle tattoo
All I have in my new place is coke and a treadmill.. it's workout Wednesday
He just stopped in the middle of undressing for sex to dip his slice of pizza in ranch. I think I’m in love.
I'm having to shit out rocks
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