i didn't know you could wash puke off of bras with a dishwasher.
I'm covered in salsa and facewash. I think I'm doing something wrong over here.
And theres a reasonable expectation that if you're fighting over a pair of yoga pants on the ground at VS someones gonna videotape it
Highlight of the night: paying my cell phone bill at the bar... I need to get laid.
I just found that video of you jumping onto my exercise ball feet-first and face-planting into my shoe rack.
LOOK AT MY HAIR, DOES THIS LOOK LIKE THE HAIR OF A PERSON WHO HAS HER LIFE TOGETHER?
Mixing coffee with vodka may have been a bad choice, I feel like I'm pregnant and the baby is trying to perform a c-section from the inside.
My night ended with a French cab driver offering me his sperm free of cost.
I woke up with a bagel in my mouth, still ate it. Free breakfast
I woke up with a thorn in my belly button. A THORN!
i don't think i have enough personality to make it through this date sober.
I just watched my mom pour beer into her vodka and drink it.
Typical Sunday morning text...are you alive?
Can I get my morals surgically removed?
Our livers get a hall pass for 2020, right?
Randomize
