Call meee
Ok, but just to warn you, I'm as drunk as a Kennedy right now...
theres a middle aged lesbian couple holding hands on the bus and a 17 or 18 year old christian girl visibly staring freaked out and audibly praying about it
dude, never take two tylenol pm and smoke three bowls. i feel like i'm covered in cold ants.
you drank a bottle of vodka and then while throwing up in my toilet you kept reminding me our hs reunion was in 2 yrs and it was time to start getting thin again anyway
i was getting a blow-job tonight in the mens bathroom of a bar and the bouncer comes in and says "bro i don't mean to cock block but you cant do that here."
So apparently we dropped beers outside the apartment last night, and someone RETURNED them! Ha like what? I just walked out the front door to Christmas in a box on my doorstep.
I shouldn't trust a guy I just met with the pull out method. That's a big responsibility.
This girl has a mullet weave. I missed oakland.
I'm going to do lines of vitamin c I cannot be sick for halloween
i wondered why i had so many splinters in my hand, then i went out to my car and remembered id stolen an entire cactus
It's like God tapped him on the shoulder and said "You are now capable of giving world shattering, tear jerking head."
Maybe don't sell him so much adderall next time. The other day during finals he was convinced that he could see the "molecules of life in the air" and kept reaching up slowly to grab them.
Drunk me really needs to stop 1. telling every attractive dude in a relationship that monogamy isn't real 2. Proposing threesomes with them and their girlfriends
That's a gentle way of saying I passed out like an 18-year-old on his first trip to Tijuana
Ever look at an ex and wonder...was I drunk that entire relationship??
Yes, yes I do.
Randomize
