Fell asleep in bio again. Sometimes i feel like college is just one really expensive nap.
Just wanted to let you know that I always win at "whose ex is crazier" because of you.
she carries around a jar of peanut butter. "just in case".
My ex came to my place while I was gone. Random things he took: snow shoes, my laundry quarters, a decorative picture, all my condiments, the container that held my rice and a sticker off my wallet. Then left a note saying he watered my plants and fed my cats. What. The. Fuck.
And the best part is I don't remember putting the condom in my pocket! Angels officially exist
No we just stood in the kitchen and laughed for 2 hours about how funny the popcorn noise was.
Let's just do a victory lap through all of our exes.
It's a little sad/awesome that I scored coke within 60 seconds of walking in the bar.
The student becomes the teacher.
I just got three pairs of underwear free and a bathing suit for $20 by modeling them and letting the salesman grope me a bit.
It's great being a young gay man in Chicago!
I was grinding on him when mosquitoes starting biting us and ruined every damn thing. I just wanted to fuck on a slide under the stars. It's every girls dream.
He pulled over in the Compass Bank parking lot so I could dry-heave, but I decided I couldn't vomit there because "I bank here."
Bring me that man meat
According to my snapchat story, I tore a fake wig off a security guard and ran away with it.
I heard a crunch while giving him head. I looked up and he was eating Cheese Itz. So we made a deal that he'd take a hand job so I could eat them too.
sober me needs to have more faith in drunk me.
Randomize
