If my vagina had boots, it would be shaking in them.
i just sent this text using only my big toe
we were wasted and he didn't have a condom so he called the front desk and asked for one. They didn't "officially" have them but the night manager happened to have one in his wallet. He brought it to the room with two mints.
this must be what syphilis tastes like
We're celebrating his weight gain and arrest.and by we I mean I, and by celebrating I mean getting dangerously drunk
Just bought a waterproof mattress cover. Bring it on sophomore year.
No seriously stop! I feel bad for him. It isn't even big enough to make fun of. It's so small that it's like a disability.
Recycling day makes me feel more like an alcoholic than regular days.
High moment. Almost just passed the blunt to the dog.
he told me i could have the honorable privilege of being the second girl to have sex with him in his new apartment, what a gentleman.
That is an awkward looking cockshot, not gonna lie
Back of his car in the Starbucks parking lot WITH HIS APRON STILL ON. Check and Mate.
Holy shit. You won barista bingo AND the Triple Crown in one day.
I was desperate and wasn't about to let my cereal get soggy so I ate it on the toilet. Don't let me repeat last night.
I don't want to be flamboyant (says the guy who bought a hot pink suit to be a flamingo for Halloween)--but I don't mind being a little extra.
Let me know if you need some dick this weekend.
Between the BF being in town, partying at the Side Dick’s house tonight and two Tinder dates tomorrow I’ve got dick to spare!!
Randomize