We were busted for public indecency in the back of my car in the parking lot. This time we were just reading my Cosmo magazine.
He told me his condom was going to expire tomorrow and he needed to use it. I can't believe I fell for it.
My #1 goal this summer is to get drunk at olive garden
its barely noon and he already threw up and i have second degree burn
If I have to take him to the hospital, I'm drawing dicks on his face
In the middle of having sex, she said "if we continue, we're dating." I then pulled out and sat in the corner, naked. I deserve a Medal of Honor.
She peed in the limo. She stood up and pulled up her dress and peed on the floor of the limo.
You don't take my phone while I'm passed out, have a three hour conversation on it with Dealer Dave, set up a date with him and NOT TELL HIM THAT HE'S NOT TALKING TO ME.
first party of the semester tomorrow. thinking of wearing a huge sign that says "my summer was good" to avoid the 67 questions and get straight to drinking
You called to teach me about fire safety, meowed a whole bunch, said "I hope you are not on fire" and hung up.
It's gonna be one of those someone is getting divorced parties
And there was a legally blind kid in a ref costume doing surprisingly well at beer pong who was passing out business cards
He left his phone. Turns out he;s been sexting with some girls who can't spell. Time to break out the herpes scare.
He said he was a banker. Then he told me he made 15 an hour. I said he was a shitty banker then fucked his friend.
I mean when you laced a shot with $200 worth of cocaine I could see why you'd be mad when somebody drops it
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