Met some locals. They are taking me to a place where there is topless bullriding. I love this country.
Random fact of the day: cum is a really good eye makeup remover
He wanted a handjob during a John Wayne movie. I just couldn't find it in my heart to disrespect that man. John Wayne that is.
I talked a bachelorette party out of a 4 person bucket of long islands, and drank it by myself. Please call me a taxi. The fat brides maid just grabbed my cock
We lost Kevin again. Probably kidnapped by fattie 2 or butter-face 2 from last night. We need names and any information you can give us. Last scene with his shoe laces converted into a belt.
And then we were riding the keg in the pool like an 8 second rodeo...naked.
You stole my crutches last night at the bar, the DJ had to ask for them to be returned
Yeah! I was just fired because there was an over hire and the new girl is hotter than me. Seeing as how the new girl is my baby sister I think punching my manager is excusable.
He expects to fuck my tits but will ignore me in public.
pretty sure tht was the guy who once went to the club dressed as waldo. he still looks weirdly fuckable.
Accidentally donated half a joint to Kiwanis with the spare change from my car's ashtray. I hope those kids appreciate it.
He left a full handprint on my ass. He called it a "five-star review."
you made the house rule that every time you'd say "yay" everyone had to drink.
that explains so much
Fuck twitter. Fuck men. Fuck bras. Fuck flip flops. Fuck makeup. Fuck perfume.
Just find a separated / divorcing man. They’re too upset to fall in love, too helpless to be alone and too horny to think straight. Smile at him the right way and he’ll be thrilled to be with a sexy younger woman!
Randomize
