In retrospect, it was a terrible idea, going down on her with these ulcers in my mouth.
GOOD IDEA: Stealing the bike a couple blocks away so I don't have to walk. BAD IDEA: riding bike for the first time in years drunk as hell. I'm bleeding and my body hurts and once again I can't find my car.
Tempting. But I already used the alcohol poisoning excuse at work this month. No way he would believe it a second time...
Can we hire someone to dj while we have sex?
She wanted to roleplay. Apparently you be snow and i'll be a plow wasn't an option
He bought you footie pajamas. Shit's pretty serious.
Last night I went to spank her while she was riding me and sack-tapped myself.
Just set myself on fire a little bit. Made me think of you.
she texted me 'with freud,' which i thought was drunk for 'i'm with my friend.' but nope, she was actually on a statue of the psychologist sigmund freud.
I'm eating Doritos at 9am because last nights weed is just now starting to wear off
He called me at 4 a.m. and wanted me to drive him to McDonald's then drop him off at home. It wasn't even a booty call, it was a fucking chauffeur call.
Sending a pic of labia to send to the TN Legislator. Obviously they don't think I know what to do with it so I'm gonna ask them for advice.
There's tequila in my general area. Please pray for me.
Woke up this morning with a plate of ravioli in my bed. Who says being single can't be fun?
I have a whole new respect for her. She chugged half a bottle of jack daniels, and then peed all over his wall. Serves him right.
Randomize
