So when jo picked me up from the bar I kept apologizing and kept telling her "I'm just a wittle donut"
I admire a woman who can maintain dignity while puking after too much whiskey
You should probably just propose to him the old fashioned way: sleep with him and get pregnant.
in retrospect, i probably shouldn't have referred to his dick as "travel size"
The liquor store is having an inventory reduction sale. It would be a sin not to stop and help them out.
And we all know God doesn't like sinners.
Amen.
I just got licked by a stripper, not so great anymore.
my self respect just called, its having a good time without me
theres a note on the fridge that says "guess what i peed in" and a half-full bottle of apple juice front and center. why did you let him in the house?
People were running around punching out the ceiling tiles Super Mario style.
You know the cave of wonders in Aladdin? That's how I feel about his apartment. Except with blow and other treasures.
He pulled out a coupon for $2.50 off the crab cakes and expected us to share that as a meal. Is that the kind of person you really see me dating?
I could definitely fill a shot glass w my cum
please don't
I don't want to get pregnant doggy style. That's sad.
Yeah I either headbutted a street sign while texting or I defended you two from an evil gang of nazi muggers. I was black out so I am gonna assume it was option b.
everytime he speaks i want to fuck him less. i just wanna tell him to shut up and take his pants off and we could both be happy.
Randomize
