life lesson learned today: sleeping pills and laxatives don't mix.
Went home with a 29 year old from the bar. Life lesson: 9 year olds stay up late sometimes
I'm done trying to be a vegetarian. My vagina smells like hummus.
She threw up a whole curly fry. A. WHOLE. CURLY. FRY.
All she was asking was for you to describe your coat so she could get it, but you kept yelling at her so the security threw you out.
No. Her boobs are the one spot of warmth in my life right now and I will not let you take them from me.
At one point, the guy you were fucking high-fived with the guy I was fucking. We should hang out with them again?
The last party at your house was a sex toy party...it's an obvious transition to baby shower
I am the worst sexter. i actually told him .. if i had a penis, it would be hard right now. BTW thats a turn off.
Just realized I'm going to have to make you sign a non-disclosure agreement before my wedding.
The girl I was Skype sexing just asked for a moment of silence for robin Williams.
we got stoned then he started showing me how to make his penis look like a hamburger...if that's not true love idk what love is
My arms in a cast, how am I supposed to have sex with only one hand?
more importantly I need two hands to eat pie
I was 40 minutes late to work today because I was getting fucked. Walked in to discover that it's apparently performance review day. Employee of the year.
Omg I just smoked and it was the end so I basically got resin and death, my throat feels like the twilight vampire description of their thirst for blood
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