I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
The smartest thing I've heard Obama do is call Kayne West a jackass
u know whats better than using ur vibrator? using it w/ jeopardy on in the background and half moaning the correct final jeopardy question. yeah that just happened.
Have u Seen that eharmony commercial where the guy goes " I don't know how I could love her anymore, but tomorrow I will'. Yeah that guy should kill himself
My roommate is on the phone with one of her friends trying to figure out how she threw up IN her pants. I'm not sure whether to burst out laughing or direct her towards Plan B.
do you think you could subtly ask him about the dimensions of his penis?
Cuz its complicated and I hate complicated and I miss your penis
She thinks I come over for the sex, but I really come for the snacks.
winnie the pooh came out of nowhere and offered me a burrito...it was a fucking amazing burrito.
When you get a chance, you should call Nick. He REEAAAALLLLLY wants to hear you make chewbacca noises.
Food poisoning on first date... Still rode the mechanical bull like a champ
I think your high point was when the quesadilla was in your mouth and you were screaming "I can't chew!" and the Taco Bell guy just kinda stared at you like he wanted to strangle.
I WAS KIDDING ABOUT SLUTEMBER BUT ITS ACTUALLY HAPPENING
At least you didn’t announce to an entire bar you’ve eaten pussy, and then knocked your beer over.
Like he's moved to LinkedIn creeping on me since he's blocked everywhere else & I'm just so confused does he think I'm going to post daily updates of my life on FUCKING LINKEDIN
Randomize
