yah i'm on my way- is everything ok?
i'm holding a walmart bag of my own hot vomit that i closed up with some random chicks hair tie. we r pretty fucking far from ok
I should just wear a shirt that says "Im Sorry" on the front because the second we land in Vegas, I'm going to be a fuckin trainwreck.
That's why she's the girl with her life together and you're the girl with the penis drawn on your car.
she has an amazing ass but I need more beers to get past her horse face. It works out perfect becauseI can use her teeth as a bottle opener.
He's a waiter, looks 15, and told me he loved me after only talking to me for 30 minutes. I told him I wanted a margarita. We got 3 free pitchers. I may have to make this our regular Wednesday night hangout.
Why doesn't he get that I would rather give him blow jobs than be in a relationship?
he was spitting whole peanuts projectile out of his mouth at the waitresses as they walked by and then yelled across the restaurant that he had "no problem kicking any of their asses"
I walked out of the bedroom naked holding a used condom only to be greeted by half of my family. Happy birthday mom
Ill tap morse code on the ceiling when im ready for you to come down amd smoke
I really don't think there's anything more liberating than farting.in a loud bar where no one.can.hear you
Shawn wouldn't stop singing about his cock on the ride home that night it freaked my girlfriend out how consistent he was
Times have changed. Freshman year I could throw my shirt in a bonfire and still get laid. Now when I puke in my girlfriend's bed on her birthday I'm "an asshole"
Do they still have sex clubs in San Francisco? Because that'd be an interesting way to spend Easter.
Just watched a middle age white woman scream WHY DON'T YOU GO FUCK YOURSELF, HELEN?! Helen seemed absolutely scandalized.
My GF, FWB and Side piece are all booty calling me. I’m a victim of my sexual success
Randomize
