trying to fathom saturday night and the fact that Rainn Wilson now hates me. my brain hurts.
and on the fourth day, god made foam parties.
Dude they are all farmers and I'm pretty sure there's a prostitute here.
She just told me she blew the waiter in the bathroom. Should I still leave a tip?
Drunk versus high capture the flag: what team is everybody gonna be on?
Just getting in the shower.... found a "great job" sticker stuck to my boob.
So how was your night?
I think I shall call his penis Gatsby. We talk about it all the time, but I never see it.
I'm taking a shit break of discontent as a personal protest
P.s. I loved that your balls smelled like coconut
Did I call him? He cried after taking my bra off. You tell me.
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
I lost a bet last night, now I have to name the baby Fetty Wap, regardless of gender. Riley is going to kill me.
Tequila is never to blame. We all make good choices under tequila
Stop chatting and get in the fucking car. I didn't get my asexual ass out of bed just to watch you flirt and fail with someone you're never going to see again.
FUCK ME I smuggled weed onto a plane by accident
Randomize
