therell be strippers and coke right?
no strippers. just coke.
i hate this fuckin recession
You know you are bi when you flip between the NFL Network and LOGO.
I just saw a guy getting escorted with handcuffs on, I'm too drunk to be at the airport right now.
Fun fact: I don't want to be an actual functioning adult because why
We can't be fuck buddies. You stare into my eyes while we fuck.
The sun and I are not on speaking terms this morning
I like to imagine god has to get plastered to deal with the fact that he made you and me
My only positive piece of news is that my roommate is moving home for the summer, so our stress-relief sex will be much easier to get away with.
I cannot be with a girl who won't let me come home on my lunch break, eat spicy ranch and watch Breaking Bad without pants on. #lesbianproblems
I have not brushed my hair. I'm wearing a yoga hoodie. I look like I slept in a gutter somewhere. Today is going to be a good day.
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
I just bought a butt plug on Amazon prime day and you're the only person I felt would appreciate that decision
Well it was okay until he pinned my arms over my head and I found the loaded pistol tucked behind the bed... THIS IS WHY WE DON'T FUCK BOYS IN MONTANA ANYMORE
Fucking hate kids. In particular I hate our kids.
Guess who cheated on their SATs? Also on the same line guess who's getting in to Princeton at damn near free of charge?
Randomize
