Also, the republican called me again last night. He called me dumb and ugly then begged to come over. Gosh... he knows how to make me want him...
Dude, just got a bummer.
What??
A blow job from a homeless chick.
By the end of the second bowl I was making sound effects to every hand movement he made.
You should probably wake up already as I have yet another story for you. Teaser? Blood from knife wound. Tequila. Guitar hero. Kitchen counter. Lawyer.
an off duty cop drove behind me last night to make sure i didnt get a dui. i was blacked out drunk and on a pill of ecstacy. he knew this. i must be really pretty.
Hey man thanks for carrying me in and out of that frat house. There's no I in team.
Like fighting the continuous urge to sing Neil diamond "coming to America" kinda fucked up right now
When you wake up so hungover that you don't even wanna cough for fear of vomiting... It's not gunna be a good day.
It's always a good night until the penis tattoo makes an appearance
I made everyone scream the national anthem with me after playing true American last night. I'm pretty much their leader now.
Man I can't wait till Thursday if strippers and beer are what you consider "research"
Is it possible to be sexually attracted to someone's hair?
I just had a 10 minute staring contest with my dog. Can you come over?
Joke’s on you. I got to talk to a furry about why nukes are bad and why musicals are good.
You're a wizard. You are a master of disguise. You are beautiful. I love you.
Randomize