Another f*ing night of vodka youporn and xanax. I need to get a goddamn life
3 great things that go great together... But not on a Friday night. Perfect on say... a Tuesday.
Just asked what her favorite part of a guys body is. She said ballsack. I'm in love.
Billy Mays died!
I know. And the US is beating brazil...what's wrong with the world?
Immaculate conception is definitely the most boring way to conceive a child.
and I'm going to name my autobiography "blow jobs with enthusiasm are the best"
I'm naming my autobiography "Reasons Not to Date Girls From Texas."
Why is it only times like these when I'm scrubbing the cum stains off my futon before my family gets here that I seriously begin to question my life choices?
He made me hold his dick and say "I solemnly swear that I'm up to no good"
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
She pulled up to the bar in a limo, wasted, and alone. Gets out, shrugs and slurs "I couldn't find a cab" and proceeds to take a shot.
I'm in love.
I think I was just hit on by Jesus Christ. This is not okay. Bad Touch. I NEED AN ADULT!
Calm the hell down, it's just stoner Bob.
His premature ejaculation problem is getting old.
I want a dick in my left hand and a Crunch Wrap Supreme in my right hand.
Why did my mother make you get naked?
it's like i'm your dad, but instead of reminding you to bring your lunch to school i remind you to take a good long hit from your bong.
Is there a sexuality term for 'only wants hatefucks'?
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