tonights recap: old cokehead freind proposed in the middle of a country bar to his trash girlfriend, saw ex-fuck who now has star shaved into his head and another with his gf, and ex-bfs best friends crackin jokes about who would fuck me first. NEVER COMING HOME AGAIN
So pretty much, I was trying to piece last night together and remembered a point where I was pointing to you heart then touching your face. I'm not sure that I ever translated that to "I like your personality better than your looks" but that's what I meant
he was uncircumcised...I HAVE NOT YET REACHED THAT SKILL LEVEL OF DICK
How was dinner with ur grandparents?
I was really blazed and scared they'd catch me, so when they asked about my day I was concentrating really hard on not saying smoking that instead I honestly said "Well, I had sex on your pool table, Nana."
Dude you just tried to have a one night stand with my ex girlfriend while we were trying to put you to bed upstairs.
but that still doesn't explain how i woke up on the couch down stairs.
I just realized there's an entire generation of children that will never know Alex Trebek had a mustache... Sad.
if your not going to answer your phone this is just going to be an embarrassment tomorrow
THAT DOESN'T MEAN YOU SHOULD LET ME CHUG VODKA.
When I start carrying a bottle in my hand, jumping from boat to boat with a grenade horn. YOU should know this isn't going to turn out well.
Everyone already knows you're a drunk, they understand.
He always tells me he misses my clit. I feel like I should make a drinking game out of it
So our trip to Disney World ended in the three of us stripping at a gay club in orlando.
I've replaced you with thin mints and masturbation
I want to fuck the side burns off of Steve.
He wouldn't stop calling me so I sent him a text saying "I'm dead. Dead. Leave me alone." And he replied with "so can I see you then?"
i feel like ive seen the light, but not in the nasty christian way. thats gross. say no to jesus, kids
Randomize
