I think the world might be a better place if everyone was capable of having open relationships.
alright she left, finally time to fart up the room
She swallowed my jizz and then took a shot of jack daniels and said "chaser." This cant be real life.
im pretty sure all they do is fuck. and talk in baby talk. its two babys fucking basically.
how are you not completely traumatized after 8 years of friendship with me?
He just gave a drunken 7 minute speech on how to make the perfect grilled cheese. he explained types of butter and cheeses....i think i love him
if your not going to answer your phone this is just going to be an embarrassment tomorrow
Woke up this morning on my doorstep in a basket with a branch, a lipstick lightning bolt on my head and a sign that said "the boy who lived." i love you guys.
I made a bet with her that she would show me her tits if I finished my beer. Only on spring break.
Yup. Can I borrow your penis decanter for my Xmas party on Saturday
i was in burrito mode and too drunk to move. no fucks were given. none.
I feel like on the last day of finals we should run around campus dressed like Moses screaming "LET MY PEOPLE GO!!!!"
I'll start the recruiting
So this was during drunk golfing. She started wacking me off on the ninth hole and an old couple rolls up next to us. And Says "hey gu- oh my golly" and while my penis is in her hand I'm like "sorry you guys can play through"
just like fucking own it. stare that cop in the eye and just keep masturbating "yeah motherfucker Im high as shit and this feels great"
She's dancing around licking a fork of nutella. She is not sober.
Randomize
