My life is like the prequel to "40 Year Old Virgin"
did you hook up at the wedding?
No but I jerked off on the hotel sheets. I wanted to get my moneys worth.
I literally ate my thanksgiving dinner while getting a lapdance. And honestly, after that, there is no other way.
Give me a heads up the next time you BBM me a voicenote of you cumming so I'll make sure not to play it while in the car with my parents. Miss you too.
found POGS while I was cleaning my room this morning. Definitely bringing them back to school to turn into a drinking game.
Also, you peed on your hand last night. Id just like to point that out
Oh man, buzzed lunch fridays almost got out of hand.
People dont know what to do when a naked fat guy is running towards them. they panic
Next time we smoke don't let me talk. I just said something and it sounded like I was speaking in hashtag.
Dear awkwardly drunk roommate, thanks for stuffing enough change in my clevage that I could afford a pepsi at work today. Sincerely awesome roommate that put up with your drunk ass
I'm pretty sure the girl in the stall next to me is waiting on me to leave so she can poop but I'm doing the same thing so it's like a Mexican standoff
Man. Apparently I blacked out between the 4th margarita and my air mattress. Asleep in my jeans at 10pm. Mom outdrank me again.
YOU LICKED MY MAKEUP OFF.
So you're mad that I let you go home with the guy with soft hands but yet you can't understand that I was just trying to help you
Just don't let me do two things: Beer bongs filled with vodka or shot competitions
Randomize
