my lips still taste like vagina
so you liked breakfast?
ehh, still wish we woulda went to IHOP instead
How was dinner with ur grandparents?
I was really blazed and scared they'd catch me, so when they asked about my day I was concentrating really hard on not saying smoking that instead I honestly said "Well, I had sex on your pool table, Nana."
Woke up wearing just a scarf, the holidays are definetly here
He panicked, you ducked and I was coming off a 3 day coke binge. It was no one's shining moment.
I love that your nipples always taste like clean laundry.
He didn't get laid that weekend.. and that is honestly an accomplishment for the rest of us.
Is a swingers hotel appropriate for an anniversary?
Fyi, shaking your genitals at me doesn't count as "trying to have sex".
Can you hurry up? Jamie just challenged my ex boyfriend to a duel and someone honest to God handed her a sword?
She didn't have her own?
He told me that he wants to fuck me only wearing a princess tiara...How could I possibly say no to that?
How was the party
I came home with only one shoe, a t shirt tied around my shoeless foot and I was covered in motor oil. Oh and my shorts were inside out. So you tell me
FUCK YOU IM DRINKING WINE FROM A BOX
You okay there or need a ride? Maybe a straw for your box
Maybe a straw...
reminiscing on last night: why the fuck did I feel the need to stand on chairs everytime we took a jello shot?
Hey this is your roommate. You know the one that let you have sex with her while you called out your exs name and cried?
I have no recollection of that. You must have the wrong number. P.s. your thongs still on the ceiling fan.
She called and said she was waiting for me naked. I got there and she was in ratty sweats, sitting in Nick's lap, with divorce papers. Needless to say my night was shitty.
Randomize
