Apparently when you order 'bottomless fries' at red robin that doesnt mean you can go around to every table and eat all the fries you want off other peoples plates.
found an unmarked box of photos in the garage, they were from when my parents first got together. It was fun laughing at their ridiculous eighties outfits and hairstyles, until I found a pic of my dad. naked. with a boner.
I just spit my fake tooth out at a customer. I think he thought it was my bubble gum though so it's ok.
he told us the story of how he fought ketchup, mustard, and thomas the train engine all in one night. if that doesn't sound like an acid trip i dont know what does.
Nobody knew what to do when it was dead. You said fire up the George Foreman, I've never ate baby shark. She hasn't stopped crying.
its sad that I know 23 beers will fit into my purse
Besides the whole peeing blood for a week thing, it was the best sex of my life.
"I vaguely remember the Health and Safety Inspector walking into my room this morning while I was passed out naked. That's one way to get it over with quickly."
You're wearing a hospital gown and pearls. Let's reevaluate your life.
Between this new vagisil cleaner and these cranberry vitamins, my vagina feels like a new women.
Woke up eating a pickle on the bathroom floor this morning in some random guys sweat pants.
Places I vomited today: hotel bathroom, in the cab to the airport, airport bathroom, airport terminal trashcan, plane seat 18E, and the plans bathroom
Fun wedding?
Yes. Very.
I mean, you've had my nipples in your mouth now, so I think we've reached a certain level of friendship.
I'm a freaking penguin. one mate for life, and really awkward at parties
Oh I had the weirdest dream in which I was an archeologist stealing a golden dildo from a snobby British person
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