Omg. If Ina Garten Makes roast chicken one more time im going to strangle her with her white button down
I'm drinking vodka out of a coffee pot. and i'm not even mad about it
I may only be a second year med student but I feel very confident in calling that a micropenis.
yolo... Doesn't that stand for 'shut the fuck up'?
telling her she was ovary-acting wasn't the greatest idea. doing it in a text so she could see your spelling was where you really went wrong, though.
Brunch got away from me. I might be a little high.
She has "Massive Shits" listed as a turn off. That's very specific and there's a story behind it I bet.
Sweet, got a date tomorrow night
We were in his kitchen and she turned to me with a straight face and an avocado in her hand and said "Can we steal this?"
I'm the catering manager, it's not my job to stop 2 teenagers from fucking in the bathroom. I couldn't bring myself to stop that sort of young romance anyway, that's what I pay you people for
I just made some sangria and taking a roadie on my stroller walk around the hood! Parenting at its finest
Are you trying to say I've made an emotionally well rounded transformation similar to the Grinch?
Neighbor is sitting on his porch looking like he made some terrible life decisions and I just want to be like "I drank half of a handle of peach vodka in a shed last night. I understand" but I think they're swingers so his night probs sucked more.
Just left the ER. Only good thing... my hot ass nurse Carlos stripped me.
God works in mysterious ways.
Started dabbing in blow again because he always hated that I did it. Yuh I’m doing drugs but at least I’m doing me?
I just spent 45 minutes and a really well-put together Power Point trying to convince her to use my dog as baby Jesus in her church's play.
Randomize