Yeah no shit. My mom is giving me winecoolers as we watch a show abt alcoholics
I want someone to please me without me having to show him steps 1 through 5
Want any specific kind of beer?
Yeah. Alcohol flavor.
Got it. Anything but Miller.
Almost thought it was a good idea to call his parents to thank them for having a son with an awesome dick. That high.
she named my penis "gigantor the baby arm"
I think i just fucked the same guy a second time without realizing it....does that make me a good whore or a bad whore???
I thought it was a drawer and tried to pull it out and it wasnt a drawer it was the police call button. I hate everything.
It's just one of those days where I'm too horny to function, to be perfectly honest.
For real, I've been ditched by my boyfriend twice today alone. I fucking shaved for this guy.
Somewhere out there, Gloria Steinem just started to cry.
I still can't get the taste of her nipples and the udon noodles out of my mouth
I have no inclination to even want to think about what God's existential meltdown is going to be like. O.o
My mom just walked in on me naked taking a shit and packing a bowl...the only comment she makes is, she wants her Tupperware back after my pot's out of it. Best mom ever.
Ordered a pizza stoned. The guy handed me my pizza and I tried to pay him by handing him back the pizza.
God is tempting me with everything tonight. Brownies and dick, mostly.
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
Randomize
