Strawberries are so good its weird that food is growable
he pissed his pants, and she still wants to hook me up with him. I try not to date guys with bladder control problems... Unless they're loaded anyway.
you didnt have any toilet paper so I just took a shower
Please sleep at your girlfriend's tonight
Why?
'Cause I wanna jack off tonight.. And you being in the room makes things awkward
Oh shit. There are penis maracas
Dreamed I made out with a stranger after falling out of a car, let's make this happen tonight.
I paused mid sex to tell him I wished I'd taken up barrel racing so I could ride better.
you were stumbling down richmond carrying a girl in a nurse costume. its not even halloween dude
My vagina bone hurts from grinding on that dude so hard.
On a side note...my DUI lawyer just snapchatted me. This is the exact moment in time when I realized my like IS a joke.
The gas station was closed so we found old PBR and played Edward Nalgene Hands instead
He jumped into a mall fountain. I don't think that warrants a lifetime ban or the disorderly persons charge, but whatever. Fuck you Pennsylvania.
You threw away your W2 to make more room in your purse for liquor.
I told him I thought I was pregnant and he told me he accidentally killed my bird.
Circle of life.
So. My mom went grocery shopping for me while I was at work & brought the food here. Cool bc my dildo was laying on the counter. Forgot I left it out. I am sure she saw. Im mortified.
Randomize
