I totes stole your whore crown.
With great power comes great responsibility.
My psychiatrist is "consulting" others. I am high-achieving nuts.
I wouldnt endorse that guy if he was walking in a walkathon to raise money for a disease i had
I love having a boyfriend. I just ate pancakes with regular syrup and chocolate syrup, I havent shaved my legs in a week, and Im still going to get laid tonight.
fuck. you.
hey remember that 14 year old i met 5 years ago who i said i would bang 5 years from then?
Yup.
... there are chew marks on my license. I have no idea.
I'm drinking beergaritas with a dog who is high and a baby
your completely serious
I am sitting here. Drinking from a bottle of vodka. Eating shredded cheese from a bag and waiting on him to pick me up after he finishes with his girlfriend. This is what dreams are made of.
do we own a ladder
We do not.
then how am i on the roof
I may or may not have traded your body to the rodeo's owner for free beer.
I just discovered I can sober up while teaching class
Drinking Fireball means never having to say you're sorry. Unless its at you're arraignment.
I have this terrible fear I might accidentally text a pic of my dick to my grandma
It will pretty much be equal to the feeling I had when you let me hold your dick while you were peeing, or when I graduated high school!
Yeah apparently i called the bartender a "fucking prison warden" after she took my keys and called me a cab
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