My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
he kept looking at my chin until i asked why, then he just said he was making sure his balls didnt leave a mark.
Just dunked an oreo in a white russian. Trying to think of a better experience in my life and failing.
Girl in my class with fire painted on her face. I. need. that. weed.
Took it a bit far last night. While leaving his house, I sent myself a text that said, 'you're still pretty"
tell that swedish kid i didnt take his shotgun. he GAVE it to me.
Call me when you wake up. I wanna start drinking but I'm giving up hope on my life if I drink alone before 10 am
Every time you come over you bleed on everything. I'm not calling Verizon again asking if blood is considered water damage.
I just wanted to give you a heads up. There's a crab in the kitchen. He doesn't have a name yet. We are just calling him crab for now. Oh! and we have memosas!
I don't think I'd trust a marching band with trampolines to not cause serious damage to themselves/ property.
It made me think of you cause he just screamed "CAPTAIN PLANET" a lot and kicked people in the balls.
Then, halfway through our conversation, I remembered what you drunkenly told me last night and was all "maintain eye contact, do not look at his massive penis".
This ER has an aquarium in it!!!
You gave your boss a bj to get the safe employee of the month award?
TJ is going to paint me in a Patriots Jersey he can paint you in an eagle jersey. Did this last year and got so much dick.
Randomize
