How do I tell my mom that she just went to the gym with my water bottle filled with vodka...
24 hours later and my vagina is still tingling. That good.
He's stoned as shit, eating breakfast cereal and taking a dump. All while listening to dubstep. We may never understand him.
If you're wondering about the pepper everywhere its for the ants and it was my doings. They hate pepper. You're welcome.
Dude she said she'd let me snort a line off her ass now I just have to wait for them to break up
I'm hungover from arbor mist I'm so white
The paramedics were not my fault this time.
I mean, on what planet are nipples suppose to look like that?
Date #3: He brought me a mason jar full of organic weed that he grew on his property. Will you be the witness when we sign our marriage license?
Dude, why did I wake up with ketchup packets in my bed and the stove in my room??
well some coke just fell out of my nose in my partners meeting so i'd say my day's off to a fantastic start
Will keep you updated on the sexual orientation of my new guy
I'm about to make existential crisis tacos.
The adults are the big ones right?
So if i am talking to a guy and he sends me a pic and he is wearing Spiderman button down dress shirt.... Is it ok if i dont want to talk to him anymore?
Randomize
