Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
i'm at a baby shower....never been happier to not be having sex currently
I started making my dollar bills into rings for the strippers
At the hospital. Forgot we locked Eric out of the house last night as a joke. Hypothermia's a bitch.
Still not exactly sure how i unbolted your toilet from the ground.
I don't see what kind of idea someone could get from an envelope covered in jesus stickers and a note from a person and their dog. I'd say crazy person alert before flirting.
It was my penance. God came down to me in the form of an angel and said, "you must atone for your sins, by puking in your mouth at church right before communion"
I should also mention that having been a sheltered child, I am conditioned to have serious kinks and find upper bodies of either sex attractive. And legs.
I think you would be disgusted with me if you knew how many times I had imaginary sex with you today
I'm really sorry that I blew your friend in your bed, but to be fair he started it.
Just found some confetti on my nipple if that's any indicator of how the night went
Have fun in Vegas! Be safe, use condoms, and take a pic of Jon beforehand to give out when he goes missing. It will help the police.
I was shitfaced. I filled my contact case WITH TANNING LOTION
i have nothing going on in my life. unless a toxic love triangle with netflix and jack daniels counts.
Your dad was just slow dancing with the priest and holding a beer. Classic
Randomize
