no its okay don't call 911, she's alive. just stopped by her house and banged on her door. she said she turned her phone off because she "had to be alone with her shame and embarassment". typical.
I'm pretty sure I'm almost gay. Like, I'd do it if I had no choice. Like, if i were in prison I'd try it.
There comes a time in a man's life when he's almost thirty he just needs to stop watching Degrassi. This is that time.
Let me start this apology by saying I'm sorry that I bit your penis.
Thanks for putting pants on me last night. And for calling me a princess.
Gold rum. Strong marijuana. Jabba the Hut in stilettos. Deep thigh bruise. Yes, thal all happened. Sorry dude.
in the future when you find clothing in your street, just assume it's mine.
And then you asked me why my legs were so thick and started measuring them with a ruler
People don't tend to fuck with you when they think you have someone else's blood on your face
i thought you were just a really comfy body pillow until i sobered up. oops.
How'd the date with the redheaded dentist go?
She didn't like my gingervitis joke
Playing Cards Against Humanity with my relatives at Christmas while I'm stoned was a bad idea...
You can't honestly expect me to maintain an erection when you have the Glen Beck show on
Xanax and full house Tuesday is now Percocet Sunday
I feel like I don't even know what's gonna happen when we first see each other. It'll be like explosions and glitter and a unicorn will run by pulling a sleigh of alcohol and sex.
Randomize
