the bulge in his pants is not junk. its hair. trust.
and then he said that some chick told him he danced like an epileptic on crystal meth. he then proceeded to demonstrate this statement, which i can testify is 100% accurate.
The crazy thing is, I dont actually know where the cat is, she said something bout the back of the toilet and a sock.
in retrospect, i probably shouldn't have referred to his dick as "travel size"
You spend 45 minutes trying to convince that pregnant girl you were with all night to have sex with you cause 'the worst had already happened.'
she scratched her sororities letters into my back when she was done. i think i was part of some sick game. sick twisted sexy game
Dear Beer Goggles, it's time to see the eye doctor. With love, your biggest fan.
I deserve like a purple heart or something. I just made it all the way drunk through my 2 story house without making a sound. While carrying a trombone.
Well, my nose won't stop bleeding from really bad cocaine and my purse is full of plastic gold coins. Also, someone saved in my phone as "tyrannosaurus sex" won't quit texting me. Savannah won. Let's put it that way.
when you're a senior and the freshman guy you wake up next to asks who you are, you DO NOT give him your real name.
When I'm drunk I really like to hold dicks. Like, affectionately.
There should be a Doritos delivery van or something.
He's like a sexy bearded lumberjack who likes wine.. I can't lose..
I just mixed tangerine juice with sauv blanc. on an unrelated note, my episide of intervention is slated to run in April.
Just when I thought we may have our first low-key night together, I sang an Aladdin karaoke song to a bunch of roller derby girls, you took shots with married women, and we both fell asleep in our offices.
Randomize
