We can't ever have kids because there's a chance that they'll end up just like us.
Who did Billy Mays play for?
i forgot what you looked like. so we left to get pizza. sorry
As long as you're not dating white guys again.
Found you in the bushes with fireworks, a teacup and no shoes. Decided it was a bad time to wake you.
I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
If I ever go to Canada, I'm fucking the maple syrup out of his Canadian ass.
You slapped the bar and yelled "daddys thirsty!" at the lady behind the bar
To be fair I was thirsty
When she told you not to yell you looked directly at me and screamed "Man, she sucks!"
There's "red head", "preppy white girl" and "the two Asians I dated and now everyone thinks I like Asians"
Your dating history is like the united colors of Benetton
How much do souls cost? I feel like I need one if those.
I know this is super early in advance but can I borrow your horse mask on 4/20
My crotch smells like fire and I can't find my pants
Well when we Get drunk it gets rowdy. We could always attempt self-control. But historically and statistically speaking, we fail at that.
It was pretty awesome. I drank out of a stein and attempted to dance to dubstep with some older guys in leiderhosen.
I woke up and couldn't find her. She had somehow managed to get into the closet and lock herself in. She was crying for her boyfriend. Thirsty Thursday at its finest
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