the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
I definitely ripped a mole off of her back in the process
I'm so hungover even the car commercials make me nauseas
vodka and carrot juice, if im gonna drink i at least got my 8 servings of vegetable
I would say I am sorry for punching you last night, but I found the pictures you took on my camera and it all came rushing back.
I think 2012 will be the year I purposely put myself in awkward situations. Much like 2011 but really trying this time. Like fucking the little sister of a girl I already fucked and dating a chick that lives with her ex. It could be awesome or horrible.
My ex wife just asked to go over our divorce papers and for sex in the same text
Bring one of those heart stabber things in case you go into shock. I'll jab you.
That's why we don't trade sex for Taco Bell. It's called the dollar menu.
Your children are clinging to me like my teets are full of bountiful milkiness. They're driving me nuts. I felt my uterus shrivel up.
Ohh I see how it works, eat pussy and I get Reese's pieces.
If you hear a loud thud and smell ozone, I may have been electrocuted.
I'm up in my room and I just saw a naked guy sprint out into the streets from my mom's party downstairs
easy for you to say. you're not the one who has to explain why you woke up with a pineapple and a used condom.
Normally getting fucked up with the owner and suggesting he motorboat me wouldn’t help my chances of a promotion, but this is 2020 and he definitely enjoyed it
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