those girls across the street saw me hanging my towel off of my penis...they're coming over later
If a cop asks you "Where do you go for fun?", it's not a pick up line...especially if he just pulled you over.
I'd suck anything for a pizza right now
I don't even know why im sitting in this office eating a poptart.
I ended up on the roof were calling it a tie
id say bad/good trip...at first I wanted to claw off my skin... but then when i tried i ended up tickling myself for an hour.
You missed lesbians having sex in the bathroom and the whole bar clapping for them. I had to do recon. It was amazing
OH HAPPY DAYS YOU'RE BOTH GINGERS YOU'LL REPRODUCE YOUR OWN KIND
This chic sharing the cab with me just started givin me head. I'll be an extra 5 minutes.
From what I can tell at a cursory glance, it seems that last night I fell asleep on string cheese and it melted into my bra.
I won't let penises inside me if you won't let tequila inside you, deal?
Ultimate cock block. About to have sex and your mom calls you so you can go help your grandmother figure out how to vote for the voice on her iPad
Yeah because the only thing stopping you from fucking Emma Watson is you not being a Gryffindor
I feel like my liver should be on crutches right now
I'm high. I apologize for that last sentence
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