I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
i just jacked off to lindsey vonn, i feel so patriotic
USA! USA! USA!
We told the pizza man that the door was most likely unlocked, he could leave the pizza on the counter and give himself 20%. He did it-I'm never moving out of Aspen.
Just ran interference for her again. Sometimes i wonder how many times in my life i'll have to be a cock block at the clinic
Alive...but barely. Had dinner with my parents tonight which was conveniently located near where i left my car, phone, and self respect
U have to come, I miss the sound of you throwing up.
Ok, was I really fucked up or was there a chick from Norway in the ice cream shop teaching us Norwegian last night?
just thought you should know it took me an hour and a half to make soup. I had to keep laying on my kitchen floor. being 21 is hard.
Thank god crabs can't live on your head. Thank god.
I vaguely remember seeing that couple making out in front of that store and i yelled "I ALSO LOVE THE ROCKY MOUNTAIN SOAP COMPANY!"
The international association of gay square dance clubs had a booth set up in the lobby of my hotel.
Told my brother the truth how I meet her...I grabbed the first thing I could when the cops came. 10 months later we are engaged.
I didn't think it was possible but he dislocated his thumb during intercourse last night then cried
I just realized now that I slept with him while he was still wearing the maid costume... I've reached a new level of sexual freakness.
Why is the toilet broken? Why did I wake up naked in the shower, hugging a bath mat? WHY IS THE TOILET BROKEN?
Is it just clogged or something?
No! There are actual chunks of toilet on the floor.
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