Anderson Cooper interviews Obama. It's like CNN is teasing and broadcasting my dream 3 way.
I don't know what's worse, the fact that my parents own a sex swing or the fact that my little cousin was playing on it
She said her tits were too big, and he slapped her. He said that Jesus didn't appreciate bitches that fish for compliments
tell me how i ended up in the movie theater alone with a bottle of smirnoff and a bendy straw.
this morning i checked my reflection in the toilet as i was throwing up to make sure i still had my pearl earrings on
I feel the need to clarify that I did not show her my vagina.
Ignoring the crisis im in. Sitting in the front yard in a kiddie pool. Wearing arm floaties, fins and a snorkel. Waiting for a hot guy to walk by.
Note to self glow in the dark nail polish can be quite the mood killer during sex especially when you notice its working for the first time and you stop everything your doing to do spirit fingers
I offered you a bag but you said "I gotta break in the new carpet" and you puked all over the floor
We hit a golf ball off Brady's ass. His dignity flew away into the night.
On one hand it was kinda weird his girlfriends stuff was at his apartment. On the other hand it was kinda nice because she had great shampoo
Currently googling hangover cures, which looks a lot like working from the perspective of my boss.
so he's a sleeptalker.
yeah??
"Mitochondria is the powerhouse of the cell" right in my ear. 2 am.
I woke up with a chicken in my yard
Do you not remember hopping the fence into a chicken coop and screaming "choot em'"like you were on swamp people?
No recollection, can you come help me shut this thing up
I just folded my laundry and I washed 3 pairs of underwear and 6 jizz towels. Clearly I'm quarantining right.
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