Please explain to me why I only attract Mormon guys. Just explain that to me.
I think it's God trying to counter your lustful nature. Imagine if Agnostics liked you. You'd never come out of your bedroom.
this girl looks like the female version of brooke hogan
I'm in a subway station watching a tranny do her makeup. This is like watching a unicorn giving birth.
I'm playing with the baby I just found in your kitchen
i sneezed during and he said it felt like i gave birth to his dick...then asked me to do it again.
I woke up this morning with a wristband and I thought I went to the hospital last night I actually went ice skating instead
My diabetic professor who apparently didn't eat anything all day keeps passing out. I gave him a joint. He's gonna be fine.
Why is my fridge empty save for a basketball???
Is there a polite/non-lush way to ask how alcohol ranks on their list of priorities? Because like idk how to break the ice furreal.
Oh I'm sorry does your girlfriend send you better pictures of things in her ass? No? Didn't think so. Remember that the next time you wanna complain how I don't make the first move enough.
Hypothetically speaking how does one remove a lamp that they hypothetically superglued to the ceiling?
Acetone nail polish remover, and you lied about studying last night didn't you?
Oh definitely.
We fucked like animals on that lion king beanbag chair that your mom got you for your 10th bday
The drag queen you used to date and the girl you brought over last night are discussing your sex noises in my living room. I'm changing my locks.
I just woke up on the floor with an empty handle in one hand and a piece of my ceiling in the other. #classy
because he's a firefighter, wouldn't sleeping with him be like saying thank you to the community?
Randomize
