Is it wrong to scream your own name when about to bust?
i wish my penis had a tongue
A girl just asked me to co-sign for her boob job because she didn't have enough credit built up. This is a first.
My mail consisted of a box of dildos and christmas card from grandma.
If I give you a key to my place you have to promise to one day wake me up with a blowjob.
And by one day I mean once every two weeks.
I just tried to roll over and fell off the bed. I think that is the beds way of kicking me out
I WANT PIZZA BUT I ALSO WANT SELF ESTEEM
BUT LIKE WHO AM I TO EVER CARE ABOUT SELF ESTEEM
and then at some point during the night I ended up holding a baby
Why was a baby at a karaoke bar, and were you wasted?
only slightly. thats not the point. it was a cute baby.
Well someone is clearly not winning the parent of the year award here
The dog just shocked himself by peeing on Christmas lights, should I have saw that coming?
he sent me a green and gold dick pic and advised me I needed to come drive the snake from Ireland.
I can't remember the last time I saw a penis in person that I didn't see a million times on text first
Fuck this. I'm adopting 12 cats and naming them after the 12 disciples. Maybe Jesus will have sympathy for me then.
He fucks strippers and doesn’t have a life plan. Of course I’m going to regret this
This may be the most redneck thing I've ever said, but I know all there is to know about farting dogs
We're hate flirting, damnit.
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