I will die if light touches me.
Small dicks are the new regular sized dicks.
This is a mass text. Does anyone know where I am?
i literally laid in bad for an hour last night thinking of what i'm going to name my cats when i become a cat lady.
He told me he had more lines than a plaid shirt
HE THREATENED ME WITH A CACTUS. WHERE DID HE EVEN GET A CACTUS.
tonight were gonna drink champagne and watch girls put themselves in awkward position
Drinking heavily at 3pm and about to rescue a 30lb street turtle. Dont even bother attempting to rise to this level bitch
What kind of gift says "I'm sorry you accidentally stuck your hands in my puke (even though you should know better by now)"?
Dropping acid was like seeing the whole world as a blank canvas to imagine anything I wanted.
And apparently all you wanted was to watch the sun explode and me take 60,000 dicks to the face.
What's Spanish for "I shouldn't have worn these underwear to work?"
Don't worry, I'm not gonna try making you Eskimo sisters with your mom
Just in case you blacked out, we had sex, you came in me, we need plan B, we fell off your top bunk, broke your roommates chair, i still like you, but i'm in pain and am going to bed
Pregaming at Jodi's. Ten minutes
Thought it was at Brad's?
Pregaming the pregame. Need alcohol before I can see that dick.
I love Texas men! TSA agent found my vibrator, nodded approvingly, and said, “You have a nice night, ma’am” with a cowboy accent. I almost made out with him on the spot
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