you just love her because she lets you bang her with fruits and veggies!
my sister just canceled her nose job because she thought it would hurt too much
It'll hurt less than being alone
It's sad how good I am at giving people diseases
so i was eating a special k bar this morning for breakfast and started choking on it so i reached into my bag for water turns out it was liquor.
You stressed the importance of not breaking the seal too early... and then proceeded to piss your pants when you sneezed.
i mean, some people chug beer and some people chug hard liquor. some people have good ideas and some people have bad ideas. it's all about perspective.
I left two shots of jager for you guys when you wake up from your death. Do with it as you wish
I remember desperately screaming that I love my life and running in zig zags all the way home
She's like my safety school. At the end of the night, if I haven't found anyone better to hook up with, I can always call her if I need a place to drop a load and don't want to rub one out myself. Perfect next door neighbor.
State dependent memory. I just needed to feel my teeth. It was like a fog was lifted.
I'm the kind of gay who carries his anxiety medication in case the club scene gets too fierce
Dude, he danced with the dog that some random chick was carrying at the bar. Then the dog jumped out of his arms and ran away. THAT definitely deserves a drink.
I just had drunken sex with an eagle scout behind the boy scouts of america building. what has my life come to?!
the guy in front of me in walmart is buying a blowtorch, potato chips, and condoms. I'm curious and horrified at the same time.
How ya feelin sunshine?
Like a million dollars! ... That has been hit by a bus, drowned under water and beat repeatedly by a shovel.
Randomize
