I don't get why Lindsay Lohan doesn't just blame her bad behavior on her twin sister from the Parent Trap. I mean nobodys seen her since.
All I remember was the chick screaming "don't hookup with him! His dick's the size of a cucumber"
mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
I really want to title the album "I want to make sex with your face" but I also want a job someday. Temptations, temptations.
Most violent shit of my life. New Years resolution of eating better is already kicking me in the face.
PS- I just ordered a two man zebra costume. Would you like to be my back end?
No, that was the night I helicoptered my dick to oncoming traffic. Im talking about the night I ran naked down the street.
It's 6 am, I'm drunk, and celebrating the end of finals.Go ahead and ask me where I am...if you guessed a McDonald's playpen then you are correct. Badabababa I'm loving it
No one should ever have to Neosporin their nipples. At least he apologized.
Well we did eat French fries lady-and-the-tramp style last night...
I'm trying to be celibate. I'm having me time. I'm eating cake.
Because you touch yourself at night.
...What time of day am I supposed to do it?
Saw two pregnant women at court today and I SWEAR one of them said "we had a threesome with this random guy and he got both of us pregnant."
I'm high. I apologize for that last sentence
I seriously feel like I just crawled out from under a shit covered rock. I'm NEVER drinking like that again...well, not for alteast a solid 3 hours.
Randomize
