I'm trying this new thing, it's called standards
I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
Dear male population: sorry for being such a dick tease but thanks for paying for my bar tab and drunk food
he needs to stop telling all his friends what my queefs sound like. its getting awkward to be around people who can quote my vagina.
I woke up with the wrong plaid-shirted guy in my bed.
How do I tell my mom that she just went to the gym with my water bottle filled with vodka...
I tried doing a handstand in the middle of the bar and I ended up kicking this old guy in the face and broke his glasses. Thats how I got kicked out
Jenny was looking for something soft to drink since it's only noon, she chose spiced rum. Think she might die today
It's a self-perpetuating puke chain.
He could have been a one armed faceless howler monkey. I was so slammered that I didn't care what I was having sex with or if whatever it was... was doing it right.
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
I consented to having my finger branded. How was your night?
Malt liquor mondays...better in theory.
I also witnessed that same parrot perched on the head of a man grinding with a girl.
Interesting. As a girl I don't know how okay I would be with that.
She seemed pretty into it.
you just don't appreciate it because you've never been arrested
Randomize