I'm watching harry potter...good thing I already know I'm gay
ugly people sure do ruin things
Bagel with cream cheese. It's blowing my fucking mind.
How high are you right now..
I MICROWAVED IT. SIGNIFICANT IMPROVEMENT.
I swear a good massage is the easiest way in my pants.
Not that there's a hard way... but you know what I mean.
In mid-threesome, need more condoms. Wearing a sheet to the gas station. I'll keep you posted
it is a toga and you are a goddess.
Ice that vagina down, get some coffee, and try not to walk with a limp. It's time to dominate, pull it together
I woke up at 4 am. Literally pissed. No idea what happened. I could have fucked a cow.
It wasn't even dirty talking, it was more like the soothing gentle nonsense noises you make when you've spooked a horse.
Now we're discussing the sex we had and the later lack thereof. It's like marriage counseling via snapchat.
I HAVE PIZZA MONEY AT ALL TIMES IT'S CALL EMERGENCY PLANNING
He said he discovered the mysteries of the universe inside an orange... I want whatever he was on.
I'm trying to get weird tonight. Like I want to see bitches crawling on all fours drinking milk from bowls and shit by 5 am. You down?
My mom just asked if I've gotten any girls pregnant how is your day going
Literally breaking up to my boyfriend while jamming out to Feraglicious
I have to hand it to her. In my heyday I took home the 'biggest shitshow of the night' award 9 times out of 10. But I passed the torch on to her last night, and she went skipping merrily far and away with it into the enchanted world of aggressive alcoholism. Is this 30?
Randomize
