I think this dress is screaming I want a birthday 3some with two moderately attractive guys. I hope.
woke up with 15 BAGS of hot dog buns in my passenger seat... jameson strikes again
Its 11am everyones wasted wearing sombreros and eating fresh produce..cesar chavez would be very proud
I made a drinking game out of watching your DUI video, everytime you say " okay, well thats just your opinion"
Come down. You're the next contestant on this bowl.
There is only one good excuse for how sore I am right now. And that is incredibly acrobatic sex. Unfortunately for me that is not my excuse.
You texted me 'I am the leopard prince', with a series of pictures of you posing in what seemed like cat poses. you were not "a little bit" drunk dude..
ok is that genuinely the first four bars of mozart's symphony #40 sharpied onto my arm or
You came on the chandelier from the first floor.. Of course were allowed back
I found all these half eaten mandarin orange on the ground and the bruises on my neck are definetely not hickies
I had to ask. I mean when you get a snap chat of a nipple you have to ask who's it is.
The annual Father's Day Wake and Bake has been canceled due to lack of hustle.
You screamed "i promise ill stop blowing your brother" in the middle of a packed restaurant at 1pm. We should maybe rethink our relationship.
Are you missing a tooth after last night? Because I found one in my coat pocket...along with what smells like dried jäger and a package of deer jerky.
Uh not that I recall.
Oh wait nvm. It's mine. Yeup, definitely my tooth.
Banged a guy with 2 broken arms once. Top that
Randomize
