So ignoring my calls doesnt work if you update your facebook a minute later.
Have you ever been so weak from sleep you couldn't push your poo out?
i feel as if last night was a right of passage. to officially be an adult you must have a drunken one night stand with a co-worker and go to work the next day still drunk wearing yesterday's clothes...
you were the first one he came out to and you announced it as the finale while singing karaoke at the bar
the worst part is we had a camera rolling
Did his mom notice it when she saw u guys?
Yes.
I have to watch that.
This is the third time that ive slept with him. He bought me more milk. I can feel the romance growing.
Like do you hear me I PUKED IN MY OWN HANDS AND HE STILL SAID I WAS GORGEOUS
You just made it sound like a children's toy! It's a functioning body organ, my vagina is not a gameboy!!!
Why did the fire extinguisher taste lemony?
Just tapped my penis on the head and said "this will be your year buddy."
just almost had a panic attack because i couldn't find the granola bar i put in my purse. i miss klonopin.
That hot shower felt like it washed away all of my problems... Except being pregnant... Ps just found out I'm pregnant. Fuck.
I walked in on him fucking my best friend. I think we've reached the point of following each other on twitter.
...is this motivational speaking, or sexting? It's getting hard to tell.
Last night when we were having sex he put the condom on backwards the first time. While he was putting the second one on I blew up the first one, made it into a balloon and hit him in the head with it. I think we're over the honeymoon stage.
Randomize
